Parenthood and Disability. Love effects: terrible and necessary.


Parenthood and Disability

Interview with Céline Delbecq, by Céline Aulit

Céline Aulit — Your new play “A cheval sur le dos des oiseaux” (“Riding on the backs of birds”) addresses the question of parenthood and disability very delicately. Carine does not quite remember how Logan ended up in her life.

What is certain is “that with him she received the whole world” as she says in the play. How did you come up with the idea of dealing with this delicate subject?

Céline Delbecq — It was the issue of the relegation of precarious people to disabled careers that initially interested me. I came across a study by Alice Romainville (Observatory of Inequalities in Belgium) which told us that most of the students enrolled in the specialized schools were from a precarious environment. It alerted me.

I wanted to delve into the complexity of this issue. I imagined one of these children becoming an adult.

Her relationship with Logan quickly took hold. Perhaps to question the possible outcome of the cycle of poverty. I didn’t make her aware, but Carine’s projections on Logan capture everything she is going to have to fight against.

From where they are, it is almost crazy to imagine Logan could become a doctor. And yet, she insists on it: “He should have a chance like everyone else.”

It is to prevent her own story from being replayed that she finds the strength to fight. She knows in her body that when one is relegated to special education, one does not become a doctor.

For herself, she would not fight, because she has integrated the discourse of society (she actually thinks she is a good-for-nothing), but in this eight and a half months old child, she sees other possibilities…

No doubt also that, as she is in a fusional relationship with her son, she sees in her son’s future a way out of her own situation. It might be strange, but at no point did I tell myself that I was writing a story of a woman with a disability.

Sure, Carine is “stupid”, by the numbers (by an IQ test), but she has her own intelligence, she adapts, finds solutions. Basically, what I think is that the IQ tests are stupid, unsuitable to certain realities, to Carine…

Parenthood and Disability

C.A. — Carine comes from a precarious environment and in her head, she is ten years old. When she gives birth, she is afraid that her child will be taken away because everyone has told her that she could not take care of him.

And indeed, it is on the edge. The lady in the centre often comes to visit this unlikely little couple.

She worries and tries to give Carine some advice to bring her role of a mother into the picture. But Carine “does what she believes is best”.

“He’s my little one, after all, I’m the one who knows.” These passages are striking because they reveal the tightrope walking exercise – that parenting always is – which is exacerbated in this context of precariousness.

This begs the question of what she can pass on to her child despite not meeting certain standards.

C.D. — I don’t know if she is really ten years old in her head, but that is the feeling we get when we start to listen to her.

Ten years, we will learn, is the age at which she was placed in a group home, the age at which she was separated from her parents.

For me, this sense of childhood we detect is related with this separation. It is an unconscious way for her of remaining loyal, of not completely severing the bond with her parents.

Indeed, the difference between Carine and any other mother is that she is constantly “under surveillance”, since the story she lived through put her under guardianship. She is no longer the subject of her own story.

The mistakes all parents can (and do) make do not have the same weight when she makes them. There is always the threat of having her child taken away from her.

What can Carine pass on to her child in this particular situation? It is not easy to answer. I would say no more and no less than what love produces on a being, which has both terrible and necessary effects.

She is like all mothers : sometimes monstrous, sometimes indispensable. I have my own idea about her ability or inability to rise her son on her own, but I prefer to let each reader/viewer judge for themselves.

One thing, however, is certain and indisputable : she loves this child.

C.A. — More than once in your play you use the expression “making a family”. What would that mean in this context of fusional relationship? “Being a mom, is something”, says Carine.

Could we say that this new status offers a gap with the child that lies dormant in her?

C.D. — To her, “making a family” necessarily resonates with her own story and the fact that half of her siblings (she is the eldest of eight children) grew up in a group home.

She already “made family” with three brothers and sisters with whom she was placed. I think that what “makes family” for her is what “makes shelter”. Eventually, Logan, too, makes her shelter.

She says that since he was born, she drinks less, she is able to get up, thinks less of her misfortunes, has no longer dark thoughts. Caring for a child gives her (at last) a responsibility.

She takes her place as a subject. The motherhood gives her a role, even a certain power, she who has always been the crushed one.

So yes, this responsibility offers a gap with the child that lies dormant in her. From now on, there is an other…

Mila Ruiz, Psychoanalisis madrid

1ª Parte: TERAPIA DE PAREJA & el invento de la pareja

En la Terapia de pareja, cuando vas a tener una entrevista con un psicoanalista, te vas a encontrar con un partener, una pareja (una nueva pareja que no habías tenido antes en tu vida, y con quien vas a jugar una nueva partida.

Así que, para que esta nueva parte se de, los dos tenéis que estar allí en persona.

No es necesario que estés con tu pareja para terapia de pareja en el psicoanálisis, ya que se da una nueva pareja, la que haces con tu psicoanalista.

La partida se juega solamente en el discurso. ¿Pero por qué?. ¿Por qué uno, o una, añade esta parte, y este partener, esta pareja del discurso, a su vida para ser jugada, este interlocutor suplementario, que además debemos confesar que habla tan poco?

Terapia de pareja – Psicoanálisis

Uno, o una, lo hace cuando no consigue encontrarse por ahí a sí mismo con  parteners, con parejas, en su vida. Es en ese momento cuando se busca la ayuda de  la terapia de pareja.

Por supuesto, sería mucho más fácil si existiera el instinto sexual.

Si existiera el instinto sexual en el espacio humano, entonces no existiría el psicoanálisis, y ni mucho menos terapia de pareja, ni haría falta, porque no nos haríamos ninguna pregunta.

Esto es así porque entonces habría una fuerza ciega y muda que nos guiaría y nos acercaría a la pareja que tendrías que tener, el tipo de pareja, la pareja estándar, la que te corresponde.

Bien, eso sería seguramente lo ideal. Además, es probablemente la idea, o el ideal que uno puede tener respecto a la sexualidad de los animales.

No hace falta ser psicoanalista para saber que no es así como sucede en el espacio humano. La sexualidad humana no pasa por el instinto.

El ser humano no se dirige derecho a su pareja. Sino que tiene que pasar por todo un laberinto, marañas, un auténtico palacio de espejismos e impases, donde su sexualidad está fragmentada, es problemática, contradictoria, y al final podemos decir, dolorosa.

No hay instinto, hay funciones mucho más complicadas: hay deseo, goce, amor.

Y encima de todo eso no acuerda, no armoniza, no converge en la pareja que sería la buena, de la que uno tendría la certeza de que es la buena.

Esa buena pareja con la que la terapia de pareja no tendría ni que ser concebida.

Terapia de Pareja – Primer deseo

Primero deseo. El deseo no es un instinto, porque el instinto sabe, aún cuando este conocimiento permanece opaco. El instinto siempre dice lo mismo silenciosamente.

El deseo, por el contrario, no sabe, siempre está ligado a otra cuestión, otra pregunta, es él mismo una pregunta:

¿A quién deseo realmente? ¿es mi deseo verdadero? ¿mi deseo es bueno o malo, es dañino, está prohibido? ¿Es lo que cero que es mi deseo, y no una ilusión?.

Y esta cuestión acerca del deseo puede llevarnos a la perplejidad, a la inmovilización. Así pues, el deseo no sabe. Por supuesto si hay demanda. Lo que demando creo que es lo que deseo, pero ¿es lo que verdaderamente deseo?.

Para distinguirlo del deseo, el deseo no es constante, no es invariable, pero si puede decirse así, es intermitente, viene y va.

Circula, algunas veces se dispersa. Aquí hay algo, alguien a quien realmente deseo. Lo consigo.

Y de repente, en el momento en el que se ofrece a mi goce, cuando solo tendría que disfrutarlo, el deseo se eclipsa.

Pero, si consigo disfrutarlo, ¿es cada vez mejor? Resulta que cada vez que disfruto algo o  alguien, lo disfruto menos. Lo que he disfrutado pierde valor. Y mi deseo disminuye.

Mare Magnum
Mix Media
Mila R. Haynes

Aunque mi deseo sea intenso, esta intensidad no da ninguna garantía permanente, ni a mi ni a ningún otro, porque, como tantas veces lo vemos en sesiones de psicoanálisis y en terapia de pareja, el deseo puede estar desplazado o desvanecerse o disminuir con el tiempo.

El deseo no es solo mío. El instinto si lo es.

Se supone que está inscrito en mi naturaleza, que funciona automáticamente. Pero este no es el caso del deseo.

El deseo depende de las circunstancias, de la situación y más que nada del Otro al que se dirige.

Mi deseo está vinculado al deseo del Otro de muchas maneras. Mi deseo puede ser el eco del deseo del Otro.

Es necesario que el Otro desee para que yo desee de vuelta. Entonces miro buscando los signos de su deseo para poder desear.

Esto puede entenderse como que deseo lo que el Otro desea, para que me confirme lo que desea.

Pero esto también puede ser como decir que tengo que desear algo diferente de lo que el Otro desea para que mi deseo sea mío para mi, para ser yo mismo. Para que así no me esfume en su deseo.

Este deseo para el Otro que me solicita, me incita, quiere algo de mi que perturba mi rutina. También puedo odiarlo, desear exterminarlo, aborrecer sus manifestaciones, eliminar sus señales.

Hay sin embargo otra cosa que puedo encontrar en el deseo del Otro, una brújula del mío, este será el que pone un obstáculo, un límite, una ley, que prohíbe el deseo.

Es el que dice esto no tiene que ser deseado. Se donde está lo deseable. Se, entonces, eso que es deseable es lo que me culpabiliza, eso a lo que uno no tiene derecho, lo que es prohibido.

Principales Conclusiones

Todas estos impases posibles se juegan de nuevo, consciente o inconscientemente,  en la nueva partida con esta nueva pareja, con el psicoanalista en las sesiones cuando buscas terapia de pareja, o por las dificultades por las que puedas estar pasando con tu pareja.

Por supuesto, puedo dar ejemplos, pero no voy a dar ninguno.

Eres tú quien los da porque creo que cualquiera puede reconocerse en lo que digo aquí en algún momento u otro, de una u otra manera, o reconocer ahí a sus vecinos o parejas.

Pero sí, en estas descripciones, aunque sean de por sí evocadoras, uno puede reconocerse a sí mismo y a otros, precisamente porque el deseo es un lazo, una relación ultra-sensible con la señal del Otro.

Porque el deseo pasa de uno a otro, se comunica, invertido. Y es también el espejo de las alondras, o sea que es engañoso.

Self-Discipline and Pandemic

Worldwide, Spanish and more specific Madrid government, appeal to our sense of responsibility once and again, to each other’s care, to impose ourselves the pertinent self-discipline. It cannot be any other way, that is how it is thought by the common sense. The same is for anyone who asks for a psychoanalyst in Madrid and in any other part of the world. In fact the formula it is imposed just by it is prudence and soundness. The difficulty is that there are three problems that the democratic parties cannot address. At least by now, it becomes structurally impossible to face them, even beyond the psychoanalysis, although perhaps workable with a psychoanalyst.

The First one, already pointed by Kant, and showed once and again by all the ones that asks for a Psychoanalyst in Madrid, as it is happening in my private practise, is that the subject is working by a sensitivity always dragged by his or her personal interests, and easily distracted from the imperatives of the practical reason. It is from here where the fastidious and truthful Peron´s formula comes: man is good, but watched, much better.

Secondly, Freud´s lucid observation, that one who creates psychoanalysis more than a century ago: Modern civilizations progress and advance to an all the time increasing stronger pressure towards the dead drive. We, Madrid psychoanalysts, see this the same way than Freud did far away. Any pleasure offer can possibly include and oversight which gives way to the dead drive. There are thousands of people that do not believe in the State public word, not in Madrid, nor in Spain, perhaps neither in Europe nor other Continents. It is not that they are deniers, but in their very guts, there is something like “this does have nothing to do with them”, even in a way that confines with the magic thinking of believing that they are immunized. Although they cannot give an account of all of this, we have testimony of it so many times in our psychoanalysis private practice.

The inevitably Third point is made up by the very own capitalism conditions, the demand to dwell in an absolute present, without any possibility of future historic perspective, and the famous “carpe diem” success, more listened as more catastrophic the situation is. That’s the reason why our world is tinged with such an apocalyptic atmosphere, and I repeat myself, not just in Madrid, but I believe, worldwide. The disorder in which the capitalist western civilization is being driven into, demands not to ignore a question coming from the crossroad itself, can the democratic and popular governments build up a new non-repressive authority? And yet, enough firm as to give a new consistency to the sovereignty exercise?  

(Words taken and translated from Jorge Aleman speech)